The things I hold feel selfish
unimportant
not really worth explaining
to anyone

but even when I try,
it’s hard enough that I
still expect tears
and wait for release
or some compulsion
to get it out of my system

with words
or breakdowns
or art

anything but this alien resilience
this strange capacity to poorly work
through

the horrible tightness
at my eyes and my throat
at my stomach and my hands
my joints don’t rest easy
my heart beats more than it should

so why can’t I get this out of me
why can’t I take this ability –
my inability –
and throw it
far

and cry for you

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