I can feel things crippling before they start

the way that I cry before the things that cause crying
in an effort to stay composed
during them
to find I just look cold

the way that showers turn into sessions
of gasping
for the wrong reasons
of swallowing soap
without meaning to
when it mixes with the water in ways
that I never expect

and the fear of getting up keeps me curled and safe
safe in the way that it is when you do not move forward
safe in the way that it feels when you try not to do anything
that might upset you too much
to continue

and I spend mornings asleep
afternoons in bed, awake, and sad
and afternoons when I need to get myself up
begin so slowly
until I’m disappointed

until there isn’t any time
for anything else
than the task at hand

and I can’t defend it

 

 

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